Cyberbullying: Bullying with Technologies by Diane S. Kendall Today's news often warns of dangers on the Internet, and recent news stories relate cases of how kids are being nasty, or worse, to each other online. To be sure, there are bullies online, just like there are in everyday life. These bullies may be classmates of your children, kids in the community, people your children have never actually met, or your own children. What they've learned to do is to use technologies such as the Internet and cell phones to hurt the feelings of others. You probably remember bullies from when you were in school, or perhaps your children have had unpleasant experiences with bullies on the playground, in the locker room, or on the telephone. Bullies don't do their "thing" when teachers or other adults are around; they haven't the courage. –And now they've discovered that they can apply their inappropriate actions digitally in an almost anonymous way. They've been known to use user names and passwords of others to send cruel messages to their targets, they've set up Web pages that humiliate, they've found out secrets about others and posted them in online discussion groups and blogs, they've sent threats through Instant Messages, they've taken revealing photos of others and sent them through cell phones–you name it, and some bully's probably thought of it. What these computer and cell phone-age bullies are doing is not actually different in content than what bullies have always done. Do you remember the "slam books" or class books that kids used to pass around to the "cool" kids so that they could rate those they considered "uncool"? These types of cruel activities can now be posted online as kids poll each other about what they think of others. By posting online or sending to mailing lists through computers or phones, bullying today has taken on wider audiences. No longer is the bullying just between a few kids or groups in a classroom. What the bully writes, for example, about your children, can be posted online for everyone in the world to see. Of course, everyone in the world would not be interested in it, but it's the kids your children know who will see it, and that, plus the mistaken idea your children get about not having any friends, is what is so hurtful. Does That Mean You Throw Out Your Internet Service and Your Cell Phones? No. No more than you'd keep your child away from school or the soccer team or any other place where bullies may be. That doesn't mean you overlook it either. The best defense is always an understanding of the situation and a good offense. It's wise not to think that every horror story you read or watch in the media is about to happen to your children. All children will not be targeted by a cyberbully. Sure, lots of kids will "stretch the envelope" with improper language or by sending inappropriate graphics to each other. Middle schoolers, and even younger kids, often try to test foul language with each other through email and Instant messaging, just like they used to (and still do) with notes that were/are passed around the classroom. You'll have to deal with that, but it's not cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is when a kid or group of kids set out to hurt another through words and pictures. It can take many forms–email messages, chat room comments, Instant Messages, Web pages, telephone calls or pictures, online discussions or blog postings, etc.–and its purpose is to make someone feel awful. Children who practice safe use of technologies, don't give out personal information, and ignore the first advances of a cyberbully are far less likely to be continuing targets of a bully. Children who are very sensitive (wear their hearts on their sleeves) and like to confide in others online are more likely to be targeted. Bullies love to get a reaction, and they like to use personal "secrets" against others. So What's a Good Parent to Do? Realize that although you can set up all sorts of filters and monitors on your kids' computers, that the very best filter and monitor is you–the parent. It's not realistic with older kids to be looking over their shoulder all the time, but you should have a general idea of what they are doing on the computer or with their cell phones. Keep up an on-going discussion with them about their work with technologies. Make sure your children's computers are in places where you can see what they are doing on them when you walk by. Set up expectations for your children's use of computers, the Internet, and cell phones. Your rules should include times when technologies may be used, and about chatting, emailing, Instant Messaging, the giving out of personal information, posting information online, acceptable Websites, Buddy lists, etc. Examples of rules might be: Never give anyone, even someone you consider a good friend, your username and password; do not use Instant Messaging or enter a chat room after [put in a time]; use appropriate language at all times; do not download or open files from people you don't know (this includes people you've only met online); etc. Make sure there are consequences if your children do not follow the expectations that have been set up by your family. These might include: taking away Internet privileges, taking away use of cell phones, only working on the computer when supervised, not allowing Instant Messaging, etc. Recognize signs that your children may be targets of a cyberbully. Your children may not want to go to school, may want to stay home instead of interacting with others, may get upset when using the computer, may be preoccupied with concerns about friendships, etc. Remember that some children will feel so embarrassed by what the cyberbully is "saying" about them, that they will try to keep the problem to themselves. No matter whether these problems are the result of cyberbullying or not, they are significant problems you'll want to discuss with your children so that you can help them. Recognize signs that your children may be cyberbullies. These might include: getting calls from the school or other parents about your children's behavior online or on the telephone; hearing your children put down others that are not in their group; finding that your children brag about knowing the passwords or other personal information of others, etc. Starting when your children first use computers, telephones, and the Internet, encourage them to let you know right away if anything they encounter makes them feel uneasy or threatened. –And when they come to you, keep in mind that comments about friendships, which are obviously disturbing to them, may seem "silly" to you. Take their worries seriously and help them understand how to deal with the problem. Make sure your children understand that they may come in contact with people who are bullies, and that the best way of stopping a bully is not to react to what the bully is doing. If bullies get no reaction, they'll usually move on. If your children are being bullied, they need to be assured that they are not the only ones who are being targeted by the bully. Knowing that they are not the only ones the bully is harassing is very important to their self-esteem, as is understanding what types of kids engage in this behavior. If your children are victims of a cyberbully, save all evidence of the bullying. Print any nasty messages, content of Websites, etc. Use this information when you contact organizations such as schools, Online Services, telephone companies, Internet Service Providers, Websites, the police, etc. about what has happened to your children. Keep in mind, if your children are targets of a cyberbully, that it is most important that they understand these two things: It is not their fault that they are being targeted, and what the bully is saying about them is not true. Let them know that you are behind them as will be most of the other kids they know. Sites that May Be of Interest Cyberbullying Features examples of cyberbullying and what can be done about it. http://www.cyberbullying.ca Cyberbullying Guides for parents and teachers. http://cyberbully.org Internet Superheroes: Cyberbullying Includes lots of information about handling online bullies. http://www.internetsuperheroes.org/cyberbullying Mail Tracker Software that tracks where messages come from. http://www.emailtrackerpro.com National PTA: Cyberbullyings Guidelines from the Parent Teachers Association. http://www.pta.org/parentinvolvement/helpchild/cyberbully.asp Parry Aftab: Cyberbullying A privacy/Internet lawyer explains the problems of cyberbullying. http://www.aftab.com/cyberbullying.htm